'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
