why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
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You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
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I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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