I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
