saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
