Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
