Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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