Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize
