i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
