as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
