when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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