I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
