I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
