I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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