Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
