The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
