He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
