The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
