is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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