WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
