Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We are two peas in an std pod
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
