you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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