dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
