he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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