im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
