Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
