I'm gonna have a badass scar
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
