Michael Bay diarrhea
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
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i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
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so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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