Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
