dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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