im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
