I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
