bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Randomize
