Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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