Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
