Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
