I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
is wine microwaveable?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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