I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
