it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
