Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
