I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
