Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
