i wish starbucks made bloody marys
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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