she woke up with a sticky ear
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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