I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It's blow job season.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
