I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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