I look better un-naked...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It's official drugs can't kill me
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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