I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
