I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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