I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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