Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
