Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Randomize
