I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
