Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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