so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She said her name was "party"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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