Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
