I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
