You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
