Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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