he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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