so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
