My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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