the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Houston, we have a blender
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
