I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
