Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
