remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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