First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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