I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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